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I guess you could say we officially started trying July 2012.  That is when I bought the OPKs and we started timing.  But, actually, I have been off of birth control for years upon years.  I’m not sure how many years.  Sometime around 2002 (I think) I had some issues with my period and the doctor blamed it on birth control.  He said it was unnatural for a woman my age to use birth control and that my body was protesting.  Get off birth control and the problem would go away.  I can get back on once I have “all my children”.  He was right.  I have been regular ever since.  But, I wasn’t ready to have a baby then so we used other methods.  Like condoms.  And then “the pull out method”.  And then abstinence during the fertile phase which progressed to just “being careful” during that time.  All notorious methods for failure.  But nothing happened and so we became less and less careful.  Before I started timing and charting and OPKing we were downright careless.

I have suspected for several years that there may be a problem.  Maybe its a physical one or maybe its just all in my head.  Maybe I am holding myself back because even though I really want this I am terrified of actually getting it.  I remember having lunch with a couple of friends and one of them mentioning, I’m not sure why, that I would probably be pregnant soon.  I told her that I was infertile.  “Well, did a doctor tell you that you were?”  I told her no, just that I knew from experience.  She went on to tell me that I can’t actually know unless it is confirmed by a doctor…and this pissed me off….I still get angry thinking about it today.  I know because I know.  I don’t need a doctor to tell me.  The doctor could maybe tell me what was wrong.  But I don’t need one to tell me that there is something wrong.  This came from a woman who also told me that I had “plenty of time.”  I was 32 at the time.  She had her first child at 38 and her second at 40.  I guess people that can have children easily just don’t understand.  Maybe they just know they can or believe in it enough.  Or maybe they don’t overthink things until they are paralyzed with fear.  Maybe that is the difference.

I am 34 right now.  Extremely close to turning 35.  This summer I will have been married for ten years.  I feel like its time.  And I don’t feel that I have “plenty of time”.  But, even though I have suspected for years that it would be hard or maybe even impossible to get pregnant, there is still a part of me that hopes that is not true.  I think there is still a chance, if I can get past whatever is holding us back.  When I signed up for fertility friend, I got the VIP membership, and if you use ff you know that you have to pay for the VIP membership.  But, I only signed up for three months.  And every time it expires, I sign up for only three more…even though it costs less to sign up for longer.

So I guess for all my suspicions I have a lot of hope…and maybe deep down I didn’t really believe I was infertile.  Maybe its just something I told myself because I didn’t want to have the responsibility of making the decision to have or not have children.  It’s easier to deal with things when you can blame your struggles or unhappiness on circumstances or on someone else.  Making the decision of actively trying to have children is a huge responsibility.  What if, despite this need to procreate, I am not happy with my decision?  I’ll only have myself to blame.  AND I will be responsible for another life…or lives.  By making the decision to not have children, I could be setting myself for so much regret.  I will be responsible for my own unhappiness in this case as well.  And infertility takes all that responsibility away.  I become a victim…feeling sorry for myself and the lack of something I crave because it is my biological right.  But, I am ready to accept that it is ok and maybe even a good thing that I am struggling with this.  Because no matter what happens, when this is over (and it will be over one way or another), maybe I will be a different person.  Maybe I will be more ready to be a parent or maybe I will be ok not being a parent.
So this blog is a way for me to deal with all the ups and downs as I navigate through infertility.  And maybe others that are also struggling with these issues will be able to relate.  I really hope that by sharing my struggles, I can help others in the same predicament….if only to let them know that they are not alone.

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